As we all know, the second week of the season is often the most important. And while that statement may very well be a lie, it’s important to note that in the second week of the season, the bloom has started to come off the rose; the season, while still “new” in that new-car, don’t-eat-fries-while-driving-because-it’ll-ruin-the-new-car-smell way, it’s not still so new you would resort to violence, as in brand spankin’. That is to say, while you’re still holding out hope that that flyer you took in the 8th round of the draft will work out, the fact that he’s batting a buck-eighty and has recently announced that he’s felt that he’s a woman trapped in a man’s body, and would like to become the first transsexual to play shortstop for the New York Yankees*, leads everyone, except possibly yourself, to believe that you should shitcan his ass and pick up a new shortstop off waivers. Preferably one from San Pedro de Macoris, since they seem to be pretty good. It is thus I begin this, the second Week That Was. As follows:
MOVERS AND SHAKERS: Not the Kind With Furniture
There were no trades this week, though I was actively offering and quickly withdrawing trades toward several managers. Nothing came of it.
TOP PERFORMERS
I’d like to point out that I continued my domination this week, soundly spanking the competition in what amounts to a game of whack-a-mole, where I’m the Ritalin-crazed, caffeine-choked six year old, and the rest of the league are the moles, dutifully popping their heads out into the light, only to be spastically and violently rammed back from whence they came with the brute force of a rubber mallet. I’m going to go ahead and call it: Saturday, April 14, 12:30pm. I win. The rest of the season is merely my victory lap. At least, once I make up the 6 points I need to regain first place from Josh.
TOP PERFORMERS: At Sucking
The Cubs have managed to create a new level of low to drop to. They thought they hit the bottom, but apparently the bottom was, in fact, the top, which they then broke through, and continued onto the next bottom. Here’s hoping there’s nothing below THAT level. Because, well, I just don’t think I could take it if there was.
Also, Pat is still in the basement, though not dead last. Keep up the good fight, man!
BASEBALL, RAY
As I already mentioned, the Cubs are trying a different tact this season–they’re apparently trying to make the competition feel SO SORRY for them that they can’t pitch or field because of the tears in their eyes. It’s not working.
The Braves, on the other hand, have renewed the contract they signed with Beelzebub 15 years ago, after a year of difficult contract negotiations. The tipping point was when they offered the soul of Mike Hampton and what’s left of his elbow in return for another 90 wins. It appears to be working.
The A’s appear to be setting up for an August 20-game-winning streak to get back into contention.
Which brings us, last and definitely least, to the Giants. The only team in the league that can only hope to aspire to the Cubs’ level of futility. If and when the Cubs break through that aformentioned lower level and find themselves falling toward a new low, the landing will be slightly softer because they’ll have the Giants to fall on.
DID YOU KNOW?
A useful method for spotting trends in your team is to view the “last week” stats for your players. There’s a link above your roster for viewing that time frame.
FIN
And that…was the week that was.