Overheard: Intro->Conclusion

“So let me get this straight. I have to write this paper.”

“Yes. All students in my class have to write this paper. Without this paper, you will not pass this class. Without this class, you will not graduate. Without graduating, you will not have a degree. Without a degree, you will not get a job. Without a job, you will not have any money. Without money, you will not have any food. Without food, you will wither and die.”

“Isn’t that a fallacy?”

“Yes, but I’ve scheduled the surgery. And the hormone therapy is doing wonders.”

“No, I meant about the class to job to food thing. I could always just be a bricklayer.”

“Your hands are slender and doughy, like a woman’s. I stand by my assertion.”

“Touché. So I was looking at the syllabus…”

“Good god, why would you do that. Have you tried to read that thing?”

“That was my question for you, actually. Have you tried? Recently?”

“I wrote it the night before the first class I ever taught, as a grad student, almost 30 years ago. Haven’t looked at it since.”

“That would explain the photocopied album cover of Private Dancer on page 12.”

“Tina Turner is my totem animal.”

“And that would explain the hair.”

“Yes.”

“And the fishnets.”

“Your point?”

“So about the paper. It should have an intro, a body, and a conclusion, correct?”

“Yes.”

“And the intro needs an intro, body and…”

“…conclusion, yes. It’s good form.”

“And the body?”

“It should really have an intro and…”

“…body, conclusion, yes I saw that, and the conclusion should have an intro and…”

“Do you have any substantive points? I’m sure any questions you have are clearly spelled out in the syllabus. Or at least I would assume so. Understand, I’m not about to stare into that void of madness once again. When I wrote that, well, let’s just say it was a difficult time for me.”

“Yes, I got that from the conclusion to the intro’s body, where you state ‘this is a very difficult time for me.'”

“Are you mocking me?”

“Yes, but that’s beside the point. Are you aware what will happen if someone were to follow this formula to its logical conclusion?”

“No, I’ve never been much for logic.”

“Well, in that case I’d like to turn my paper in. What do you think?”

“A+.”

And it is thus that I bring you the thirteenth edition of this, The Week That Was.

As follows:

Movers & Shakers: Draft-0-Matica II: The Pat-ination

Okay, so I didn’t have a lot of ideas for other teams. That’s not to say that I won’t continue on. Oh, no. I’m like a pit bull on a Buick’s fender: I don’t give up until we’re on the freeway.

Anyway, I’m taking requests. If you want your team molested featured, feel free to drop me a line.

Team: Chico Pirates

Manager: Iiiiiiiiit’s PAT!

Reasons for Hope: We’ve been doing this for 8 years. Pat’s been playing for the past 5. I’m almost 100% certain that he’s drafted, kept, or traded for Ryan Howard at least 4 of those seasons*. There is a method to his madness though; that being, Ryan Howard is really freaking good (at several things, K’s being one of the ones that we’ll choose to ignore, the ability to keep runners at first base just by inhaling through his massive nostrils being the other). He forms the anchor of one of the best infields this league has to offer; Howard, Zobrist, Young, and Bartlett are a good enough crew that even the “God Hates Fags” guy wants to give each of them an open-mouth kiss on the lips. Add to that the fact that he has two of the best offensive catchers currently playing in McCannCann and George House, and an OF that manages to be solid even though it features Juan “The Talent Suck” Pierre, and you have a team that will ride you hard and put you away wet.

Reasons for Despair: Pat’s draft strategy went something like this:

• Step 1: Draft hitting.
• Step 2: …
• Step 3: Profit.

But even with that strategy firmly in place he managed to snare guys like Adam “One Hit Wonder” Wagonbuilder and AJ “Fat, Dumb, and Ugly is No Way To Go Through Life, Son” Burnett, a productive closer in Brian “I Can’t Break A Pane Of Glass With My Fastball” Fuentes, a prospective backup closer in Fernando “The King” Rodney, and solid rotation padding with guys like Jorge De La Ti Do Rosa and Scott “Too Boring and White To Rate A Nickname” Feldman.

What I’m basically saying, folks, is that Hell isn’t freezing over, because religion is a lie, and when you die your body will just moulder in the grave, and all your memories and all your experiences, be they sad or happy, will simply disappear into dust. Also, Pat’s got a pretty darn good team.

Dapper Dan Man: Jason Kubel. Christ on a cracker. Just look at him. He looks like the unholy offspring resulting from an ill-advised, Jack Daniel’s-fueled hookup between Toby Keith and a naked mole rat.

Baseball, Ray

Thank God the Cubs are getting all their losing out of the way early. I just can’t wait until August, when they finally unleash that winning streak they’ve been holding back all season long. It’s going to be great, they’ll win a game, and then, the very next day, they’ll win another one. Sure, they’ll lose the following game, but I’ll be so drunk off victory champagne that I won’t even be conscious. It’ll be goddamn beautiful.

The Braves are, in reality, more the “Cautiously Optimistic With One Foot Out The Doors”, and are in no way representative of the peoples of the First Nations. They don’t even wear the proper headdresses.

The A’s and Gigantes, on the other hand, are tear-assing*** their way around the league, having their way with opposing pitchers, pitching coaches, pitching coaches’ wives, even Youppie(!). Though, really, let’s be honest here, he’s been out of work for a while. He’ll do anything for a buck.

Fin

And with that shocking revelation, I bring to and end this, The Week That Was…

Glossary

*Sure, that information exists, and sure I have access to it, but it’s just a lot easier to make stuff up, knowing that nobody in this league** has the patience, free time, or OCD to prove me wrong

**Other than Nick

***Sorry, unintentional Bay Area pun