Jay sent me this email, and I believe it needs to be shared with the world. Anyone interested in writing up a well reasoned, preferably funny, All-Star Ballot post is welcome to send it to me.
As follows:
First Base: Morneau, J., MIN
— Giambi and The Jew both had a better VORP, but Morneau didn’t have a porn stache (Giambi), and he didn’t play for the Red Sox (That Jew). You could make a case for any of them, but Morneau had the most PAs, and he doesn’t play in as good of a hitter’s park or have as good of a lineup around him.
Second Base: Kinsler, I., TEX
— Kind of a no-brainer. By far the best AL second basemen, and one of the overall best AL players this year (4th in the AL in VORP).
Third Base: Rodriguez, A., NYY
— Even with the missed time he has the second best VORP in the AL.
Shortstop: Young, M., TEX
— AL Shortstops suck this year. Young sucks the least?
Catcher: Mauer, J., MIN
— Leading the AL catchers in VORP, he isn’t Veritek.
Outfielder: Bradley, M., TEX
— Leading the AL in BA, OBP, and SLG, and the majors in VORP.
Outfielder: Drew, J., BOS
— I probably should have gone with Hamilton (I think I did on my last ballot), but Drew has been putting up big numbers for my fantasy team.
Outfielder: Ramirez, M., BOS
— Manny has the 6th best OF VORP in the AL, and I like him better then all the people ahead of him.
Designated Hitter: Matsui, H., NYY
— Pretty weak group of DHs this year. I went for Matsui due to his massive porn collection. (Though you have to assume all the good bits are blurred out).
First Base: Berkman, L., Hou
— Because he has the best VORP and he’s not Pujols.
Second Base: Utley, C., PHI
— I guess I should have checked the stats before making this choice. I didn’t realize that Uggla had surpassed utley in pretty much every catagory. Utley should play for the Diamond Backs so that he could play at Chase field.
Third Base: Ramirez, A., CHC
— Chipper is hurt, and Aramis has the second best VORP at third. And he donkey punches Scott Linebrink.
Shortstop: Ramirez, H., FLA
— Kind of a no-brainer. He’s not Jose Reyes.
Catcher: Soto, G., CHC
— Wasn’t really deserving with the year McCann is having, but I wanted to add to his vote totals.
Outfielder: Burrell, P., PHI
— Second highest VORP of any NL outfielder. Nate Mclouth is leading, but I don’t like voting for flash in the pan type guys, unless they are Cubs.
Outfielder: Fukudome, K., CHC
— Not deserving, but I want to see as many Cubs in the starting lineup as possible.If I was going to go with the all-deserving outfield it would be Pat the Bat, Mclouth, and Beltran or Bay.
Outfielder: Soriano, A., CHC
— But I went with The Fonz.