You know, there was a time, not that long ago, when a man could walk down the street without fear. When he could comfortably wander hither and yon without any repercussions; his wallet, his money, all hanging out of his pants. Other things, too, but we won’t go into that. We’ll call this time “last week.” Then something happened. Language coarsened. People became bitter, fearful. Suspicious of one another. People barred their doors, kept their children indoors. Even dogs that once happily buried their snouts in your crotch, now did so with malice aforethought. What caused this? What change in the language and attitudes of out time have caused this, the bittering of our society?

The answer? Pat.

And thus I open this, The Week That Was. As follows:

MOVERS AND SHAKERS: Not the Kind With Furniture
There are several kinds of movements in this game, and not all are pleasant. Some result from a long, difficult and arduous process, unpleasant for all concerned. The ultimate relief when the process is over can only be truly appreciated by those who have had to endure the process. Others are sudden, the urge hitting at an inopportune time, resulting in disaster and embarrassment. Others, however, are well formed; research is done, plans are laid, advice is sought.

This week saw two movements, the first coming between myself and Pat. It wasn’t as bad as the worst of the sudden, unplanned trades, but it could have been better. I gave up Oswalt and Dice-K, in return getting the first openly homosexual shortstop in the history of the AL, and a stoner from Northern California. At the time I was feeling good about the trade, as I needed a shortstop, but before the trade was even finalized in the league the Toronto SS, Aaron Hill, my stopgap, decided to become a useful Major League ballplayer. This significantly changed the dynamics of the trade, as JEET, stuck in a season-opening slump, is now merely my backup Util-slot guy.

Damn you, Pat. Damn you.

The other trade was between Eamon and Weston, another example of collusion between roommates. In it, Eamon gave up the injured B.J. “Oral Sex” Ryan and Armando “I’ma blow this save, aight?” Benitez for Jered “seriously, I don’t know that other guy named” Weaver. This has the possibility of being either an even trade, or a one-sided trade. It all depends on what the result of the injury bug is. Neither Weaver or Ryan look all that sturdy at this point, though this is the first time in a while that Ryan has been injured. If Weaver goes down, which seems to be all the rage with the phenom crowd these days (See: Felix, King and Liriano, Francisco), then the trade is basically free money. However, if Ryan is Down and Out in Beverly Hills for the year, then you’re looking at trading one of last year’s big AL rookies for what amounts to a plastic bag inflated with wet farts.

TOP PERFORMERS
I continued my victory lap around the league this week, gaining another 40 points on the leader board. My success was based largely off of two folks: Homosexual-Rod, and Your 2007 National League Cy Young Award Winner, Rich Hill.

TOP PERFORMERS: At Sucking
While I may be bitter, I take no pleasure in pointing out that Pat, once again, finds himself as the filling in a manwich made of the entirety of the league on the top and the Mantastics on the bottom.

God help me, I wish I could unsee that in my mind.

BASEBALL, RAY
The Cubs managed to continue to suck when Rich Hill isn’t on the mound, leading some to suggest that the obvious plan would be for all pitchers from here out wear Hill’s jersey for their starts. They haven’t gotten back to me about my idea yet.

DID YOU KNOW?
You can tell which of your starters are going that day by seeing if they have a caret (^) in front of their name.

FIN

And that…was The Week That Was.