Overheard:

“NEXT.”

“I’d like a half-caf, skinny, grande, iced, chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, mocha, no ice, eight pump, easy foam, two Splenda, extra milk, no water, double grounds frap with extra pepper, an extra shot, extra buckshot, and a 20cc shot of pure hog adrenaline with a double-ought needle.”

“This is a Taco Bell, sir.”

“Excellent! Make that a half-pound chimichanga, no beans, shredded beef, no pico de gallo, double lettuce, no cheese, no beef, cubed chicken, extra tortilla, even more lettuce, a fistful of pills from the junior high Skittles party down the block, no chicken, no tortillas, more lettuce, a scoop of rice, no rice, extra lettuce, a lot of salt, and more lettuce.”

“Sir, I…”

“Just give me all the lettuce. All of it.”

“I don’t think we can do that, sir.”

“What about next door?”

“The KFC? I don’t…”

“CHANGE OF ORDER! I want a family bucket of extra crispy, more skin, double jointed, fake breasts, more wings than necessary, tasteful nudity, five of the eleven spices, and for sides I’ll have slaw, biscuits, potato wedges, beans, and a half quart of pure white lightning from the Colonel’s own still.”

The ghost of Colonel Sanders appears

“WOOOOO HE WANTS A NUMBER THREE WOOOOO”

And that’s how we do it, in this, The Week That Was.

MOVERS & SHAKERS

WE BROKE THE SEAL! Now we’ll be peeing like racehorses; i.e., standing up, all over our feet.

I’m sorry.

Anyway! Trades!

Trade 1

The wily Zombie Killas took advantage of that clearly delusional Padres fan, 99 Problems. At least, that’s what I tell myself so I can sleep at night.

In reality, David “Russ” Ortiz is probably actually ~74 years old, and Andrew “Room Temp” Cashner A) throws 100mph and B) throws in PetCo “where the pets aren’t allowed except on the rare Bark at the Park night, which is a logistical nightmare of dogs shitting in the giant sandbox in the outfield” Park. It didn’t help my feelings toward this trade that Cashner K’d 10 Astros LITERALLY as I got the email acknowledging that the trade was accepted.

On the other hand, my DH slot was a slop bucket of Mike “I wanna take a” Napoli and Will “I’m terrible and no this isn’t a pun” Middlebrooks, so even if Ortiz finally realizes that he’s too old and fat to play bocce ball, let alone baseball, he’ll probably still outhit that pair.

FINAL VERDICT: draw, based on roster construction; slight advantage to 99 Problems in a vacuum; in an actual vacuum, there are no winners, because both players would be dead.

Trade 2

The Crabby Tabbys had enough of Carlos “Damaged Cargo” Gonzalez and shipped him out to Jeter’s Sex Baskets for Aaron “First In The Dictionary, Last In Your Hearts” Barrett. On the surface, this looks like a clear victory for the Sex Baskets, as CarGo is only two seasons removed from an All-Star campaign where he went 26/70/.302 with 18 net steals, while Aaron Barrett is so generically middle-relief that even his mom calls him RHP. A closer inspection reveals, however, that all human endeavor is meaningless in the face of time’s infinite void, and we’re all just biding time until we accept death’s cold embrace. Pulling back slightly, we can see that Carlos has had a combined OPS+ of 78 over the last two seasons combined, and is little more than bench filler at this point.

FINAL VERDICT: Gonna go ahead and give this one to the Sexes, because there’s always the possibility, however minute, that Jesus Christ Himself will come down from the heavens and touch CarGo’s mangled body and return him to 2013-level production. The best the Crabs can hope for from the nameless white guy is that he’ll start wearing slick sports goggles and Matt Williams will think that Tyler Clippard is still on his team and give him a couple save opps.

TOP PERFORMERS

As you can see, Tony! Toni! Toné! continues to beat the everloving shit out of the rest of the league like it was a red-headed child of a neighbor that you don’t necessarily like, but don’t really have anything against. Just the absolute shit.

The Teen Girls have been gamely climbing the ladder behind the power of his trick roster (and Bryce “Murderball” Harper), hop-skipping over Magic Mike, Scotty V, and yours truly.  BUT! Now that I have Big Papi I’ll be climbing back into oh who am I kidding I’m fucked.

TOP PERFORMERS: AT SUCKING

Woof. I don’t even like lookin’ at these people. It’s like, they’re of a lesser species, right? Like, those of us in the top, up where we can still see the light of the sun, have just evolved differently, right? It’s like, all those people are just down there, in the tunnels, hiding your time machine and eating your neighbors.

BASEBALL, RAY

Busting out the crutches again! This time, we’re talking the Big Six major awards: AL/NL MVP, Cy Young, and Rookie of the Year. I don’t want to imply that I’ve got an inside track on this, and that I’m connected to the vast Masonic conspiracy that pervades the very halls of power in this country, and that it’s all a fix MAN and it’s already been decided by the Seven Powerful Jewish Bankers, but…wait, where was I? Right, MVP. Here we go:

AL MVP

Right now it’s Mike Trout and everybody else, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. He’s leading the AL in bWAR, he’s already won two games with his defense and another with a walk-off HR. He’s Baseball Jesus, and if he keeps this up he’ll be the first active player inducted into the HoF.

NL MVP

Bryce Harper has been compared to Mike Trout for the entirety of his career, and for the most part it’s been the “hey, how come you’re not as good as Mike Trout?” kind of comparison. That’s not so much a problem anymore. Mondo has stopped breaking his knees running into walls and tearing tendons on ill-advised leaps into first base and has instead decided to just hit all the dingers. All of them. He’s first in the NL in bWAR and tied with Baseball Jesus for the MLB lead. And I could have keepered him, but didn’t, and that sound you hear reverberating through your walls is the sound of me hitting my head over and over again on my desk.

AL Cy Young 

I’m going out on a limb with this one and pick King Felix. Felix is leading the world in wins, and is all over the leaderboard on K’s/IP/Bad Neck Tats. Michael Pineda is a popular candidate, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he won it, but Felix has the massive edge in that “he’ll survive the season” while Big Mike “won’t.”

NL Cy Young

I’m going with Monopoly Money Scherzer, only because A) I think Harvey will wind up on the DL and B) the Nats will be massive in the second half and there are enough old guard writers voting that his wins will move the needle. My dark horse candidate is Jake Arrieta, who’s currently third in the league in pitching fWAR behind the Monopoly Man and…Aaron Harang? Okay, it’s still early.

AL RoY

It’s a pretty weak crop in the AL, but I’m going with the White Sox’s Carlos Rodon. He’s basically a lefty Matt Harvey, with a slider du jour and enough gas to end the energy crisis. The main issues, as I see them, are that A) he’ll hit his innings limit sometime in August and they’ll shut him down, and B) the White Sox are horriful.  Still, who else are you going to go with? Dalton Pompey and his OPS+ of 67? Yeah, not so much.

NL RoY

Woof. Here’s where the picking gets tough. Kris “Hall of the Mountain King” Bryant? Joc P.E.D.erson? What if Addison Russell starts turning it on? What if Syndergaard is as god-like as they say? There’s no easy call, which is why I’m flipping a couple dozen coins and coming up with Jorge Soler. He’s massive. He hits laser beams. He’s got the best right-field arm in the NL. And in a few months, he’ll be the National League Rookie of the Year.

And that…was The Week That Was.